Devil Dog

As a dyed-in-the-wool heavy metal fan, it's hard not to feel a little lonely. Admittedly, a bunch of longhairs growling about all things evil can make for some confusion among the uninitiated. We're a small, but proud contingent.

Thankfully, this dog is one of my peeps.

We Have a Winner!

Congratulations to Bill G. of Providence for correctly picking the date Hannah Montana made the transition from Disney tween to pervert wank fodder.


The over-under for Miley's awkward skank-formation was 17, and Bill not only correctly picked the under, but also amazingly guessed that the leap would be made with a cell phone camera, and posted on MySpace.

Excellent work, Bill. Now, get back to patrolling Chuck E. Cheese for phone numbers.

In the meantime, does anyone have the over-under on Miley taking a creepy seductive photo with her father? Anyone?


Oh, it's already been done? Nevermind, all bets are off.

Audience Participation - 4/25/08

This has been a dry week. Drier than the Mojave. Drier than Bob Newhart. Drier than that booger you find hanging from your mustache, on a crisp fall morning.

Good things are coming...I promise.

In the meantime, I encourage you to write a ton of comments this week, while I finish up some drafts I should have published here a long time ago. This week's Audience Participation should meet the lofty standards you guys have established over the past few months. The topic?

-----------------------------

Things You Can Say In A Bar, But Not While Having Sex

• "I wish the head was a little thicker."
• "Let me back that guy up."
• "Watch my stool."
• "I came before there was a cover charge."
• "I take it straight up."
• "Mmmmmm....bitter..."
• "Bullseye!"
• "Miss, I believe I asked for a twist."
• "I prefer to sip it neat."
• "Justin popped in here earlier."
• "I've already paid for three rounds tonight, so this one's on you."
• "I wish they would dim the lights."
• "I hope I don't blow over the legal limit."
• "Hurry up, it's about to close!"
• "I bet you get a lot of regulars."
• _______________________

It's your turn. Don't let me down, true believers.

Go.

Save the Apple!

If you're not a Mets fan, this means nothing. If you are, then get to clicking and make this thing go viral.




I'll be back with a post tomorrow.

Audience Participation - 4/17/08

Okay, I have to admit, I've been lagging a bit this week. My job is getting more serious than it has any right to be, and as a result, I've found myself manning my desk for a few more hours a night than should be allowed.

Anyway...

I have a bunch of good posts in draft, but until then, I want to play a game. It's a game you all recognize from middle school. It's a game that never gets old. It's a game that manages to put a smile on your face every time you play. It's the Porn Star Name Game!

The rules are simple:

1. Take the name of your first pet (i.e. Scrappy)
   
2. Take the name of the street on which you grew up (i.e. Broadway)
   
3. Combine them
4. Put your answers in my comments section
   
5. Laugh at other people
   

Is it ridiculous? Yes. But until I get a chance to finish some of my longer pieces, this will have to do. Any questions? No? Good.

Oh, you want to know mine? Fine. If I was braver (and more physically...ahem...gifted), my porn name would be: Snuggles Morris.

Your turn. Go.

Rock of Aging...

I feel old.

I'm not going to bore you with the prefacing details, but let me summarize everything that's transpired in the last week:

1. Man goes into bar to wait for bus
   
2. Man misses three buses talking with friends about 80s arena rock
3. Man and two friends purchase tickets for Def Leppard/Styx/REO Speedwagon fiesta
   
4. Man and two friends actually go to said fiesta
5. Man learns about himself
   

That was it. That's all it took. A funny bar conversation - largely focused on making fun of bands like these - turned into a near $100 investment, not to mention the cost of my pride and dignity. And if you don't see the connection between paying to see hair rock, and my dignity, just check out this photo:



A little overdressed for the desert, no?

Anyway, despite the sheer poofiness of the event, it was a learning experience for all involved. So, rather than doing a blow-by-blow recount, I'll simply summarize the things I noticed last night about others - and more importantly, about how they make it so easy to make fun of them.

• There is no reason for anyone in their mid-40s to ever (EVER) wear a new concert t-shirt over a collared business shirt. Hey slapnuts - you're not a rebel, you're not sticking it to the man, and most importantly, you look like you fell out of the short bus. Change in the bathroom, or better yet, come to terms with your shortcomings.
  

• Concert promoters should not ever term a show a "sell-out" when entire sections are sans fans. Yes, many fans could have used more than one seat, but even one gargantuan ass still only counts as one ticket.
  

• Nostalgia Band Tip #1 - No one, and I mean no one, is here to listen to any so-called "new material." And when you have a 40-minute set, and 25+ years of hit songs, perhaps an extended "guitar jam/joke with the crowd" combo isn't the best use of your time.

• I'm not one for using middle school terminology for humor, but here, I simply can't avoid it: REO Speedwagon is gayer than a picnic basket.
  

• Romance isn't dead - it is alive and well in the urine-soaked arena men's rooms across the land. They kept on lovin' each other, regardless of how many truck driver lookalikes were waiting for the stall.
  

• Speaking of which, "Keep on Lovin' You" is a very hard song to sing. And if you had heard me try, you'd agree.
  

• I've decided to retract my controversial remarks from earlier. REO Speedwagon is not gayer than a picnic basket. They are gayer than pastel-colored leather. Apologies to all picnic baskets.

• Why hasn't Styx ever toured with the Stones? It's a can't miss prospect, just for the t-shirt possibilities alone. Incidentally, I have similar ideas for tours featuring: Ratt/Poison/The Cure; Talking Heads/Simple Minds; Motorhead/Midnight Oil; and Bush/Hole/Saliva.
  

• Nostalgia Band Tip #2 - If you have less than 3/5 of your original members still in the band, you are no longer considered to be that band and should not be touring and blaspheming a good name. This counts doubly if you currently feature a singer that was not around for the glory years. Styx without Dennis DeYoung is like McNuggets without trans fats. Similar...maybe even better...but just not the same.

• Once again, I've been forced by the powers-that-be to retract my earlier statement. As of right now, REO Speedwagon is gayer than men who suggest wine pairings at barbecues.

• How is it possible that Def Leppard's British accents are now more difficult to understand? After the opening song, Joe Elliott either graciously thanked us for coming, or told us that Americans liked to molest pigeons. Jury's out...
  

• I do know that he thought most of the front row was fat and ugly, but that was only because of all his dry heaves and pointing.
  

• Nostalgia Band Tip #3 - Trying to rile up a crowd of 40-somethings by mentioning a local landmark is a fruitless endeavor. As is asking the crowd if they "are ready for [insert headliner name]?" And never, ever make any reference to "staying up all night," "partying till dawn," or "drinkin' and druggin' with the great fans of [insert city name]!" You're in bed eight minutes after the show, curled up with nothing but a good book, because you're old and lame.

• Def Leppard teased us all by playing 3/4 of a song off their first album (a monster hard rock disc if there ever was one) but then morphed it into one of the worst songs ever put on plastic, the pop abortion known as "Let's Get Rocked." Which kinda helps me segue into...

• Nostalgia Band Tip #4 - At no point during any rock show should a band play songs about the following:
• a) the difficulties of life on a tour bus
• b) missing a wife/girlfriend/small pet while "working" on stage
  
• c) the intangible, uncontrollable, undeniable "power of your rockin'"
  

• Amazingly, I still can't get my descriptions past the censors, so now I'm relegated to saying that REO Speedwagon is gayer than people who wear layered polo shirts.

• Here's a book you'll never read: Armed and Dangerous - Tales of Def Leppard's Drummer

• Watching Def Leppard play "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was cool. It was a landmark song of my childhood, and still sounds pretty good today. However, once you break that song down lyrically, you realize just how creepy it sounds coming from the mouths of old guys. I sang along, but in the back of my head, I pictured the five of them sitting in a conversion van next to a junior high school.

• After much consideration, I now realize that REO Speedwagon aren't at all gay. However, they are indeed fruit-alicious. Sorry for any confusion.

• Nostalgia Band Tip #5 - And I've saved my favorite for last -- the encore. Ahhh, yes. Once upon a time, in a rock world not far from here, the encore was a legitimate entity. If the band played well, the crowd would show its desire for additional music by cheering after the final song. If the band deemed it appropriate, they would reconvene on the stage and proceed to rock the audience with anywhere from 1-3 additional tunes. And everyone went home happy. Now, the encore has become so expected...so rote...that most bands don't even do fans the honor of turning on a few goddamn lights. They fake an exit, still fully visible on the wings of the stage, and then triumphantly return to the surprise of no one. We know you're coming back out, because you haven't played your biggest hit and/or you poorly acted your first "goodbye." And, as Joe hilariously remarked last night, "At least turn off the giant flashing screen with your band logo on it!" So, for our final lesson, I will simply say: Lose the encore. And stop pretending like you've earned one to begin with. You're lucky to be up there at all.
  

To wrap this up, I'll just say that this was a tight well-played rock show, but also one that I couldn't help making fun of. One thing to note: Joe, Bill and I will be attending the sure-to-be-epic Poison, Dokken and Sebastian Bach extravaganza later this year.

I wouldn't miss it...

Audience Participation - 4/3/08

Since this seems to have become a weekly thing, I might as well properly name it. As you know, once a week, I come up with a list of nonsensical things, in hopes of garnering a chuckle or two. Then, I turn the reins over to my friends, and wait for you guys to show me up at my own game. As always, I look forward to reading your comments.

This week's topic is actually a joke that's older than John McCain's first lay, but also one that got a new life after the internet became popular. It's been just enough time since I've heard it being used, so let's revisit our old friend...

The World's Thinnest Books (2008 Edition)

• Zagat's Guide to the Bronx
  
• Gangstas I've Met While Yachting
  
• World Series Tales of the Chicago Cubs
• Apocalypse WOW!!!: Babes of the Viet Cong
• Christian Rap: A Retrospective
• The Leper's Kama Sutra
• Jay Leno's Greatest One Liners
  
• Mormon Party Tips
  
• Gentle Pimps (And The Self-Respecting Women Who Love Them)
• The Professor's Guide to Loving Your Liver
  
• Jews in the NBA: 1982-2001
• The Big Book of Dainty Feminists
  
• Cold Cells, Warm Hearts: True Prison Romance

I'm sure I can think of a few more (and I probably will) but until then, it's your turn.

Go.