My Cat Is Sweating...A Heatwave Journal

It was another typical summer day for the Prof. Woke up at the asscrack of noon, with aspirations of conquering the day. But then it hit me... No, not a moment of clarity. Not even a divine revelation, where I decide to change my ways for a more productive future. I was hit by the blunt force of NYC in its 103 degree heat indexed glory. In my top story brownstone closet/apartment, the low ceilings and flat, black tar roof made it an easy 115 in the house. I turned on the AC and prayed for a reprieve. Here is the breakdown.

12:15 - The air has been on for nearly ten minutes, and the only thing that's changed is my electric bill. My cats (Mookie and Meshach -- more on them later) have somehow managed to switch their water dishes for Gatorade. The exposed brick has covered itself up, hoping to fend off some of the visible humidity.

12:40 - Despite my attempts to distract myself by watching the Food Network, it hasn't gotten much better in here. Rachael Ray actually cursed me through the television, then promptly left her fake TV kitchen because of the heat in my real life living room. Still, despite the foul language, the girl can do wonders in thirty minutes.

1:12 - Meshach jumps in a cold shower, and howls until I get him a bar of lavender soap.

1:13 - Meshach remembers he is a cat who hates water and promptly returns to licking himself stupid.

1:28 - CNN is reporting that Lebanon is in flames after numerous air strikes. A reporter on location describes the scene as "Devastating. Horrific. Still better than being in New York City right now."

2:00 - I've had enough. I pack my things and head to the mall. Maybe burning some money instead of my own flesh will make this day better.

2:23 - Arrive at the local mall. My black t shirt looks painted on, thanks to the sheer amount of perspiration I put out. I am now discovering sweat glands in parts of my body I didn't even know I had. I pat myself down with a few baby wipes (yes, I carry them, and I advise all of you to do the same) and head into Target. Things were starting to look up...

2:34 - After unsuccessfully trying to convince a woman that "refurbished" is not a synonym for "new and improved", I leave the electronics section and head for the always entertaining men's wear department. A place where formal wear sits comfortably aside novelty boxers that say "Home of The Whopper" across the crotch. A place that sees the best prices ever on rugged Levi's jeans, and yet a few feet away sits a wicker cowboy hat for twice the price. I bought two.

3:13 - Step outside for a smoke. There has never been a better reason to quit than the weather outside today. And there is nothing that will make you feel stupider than leaving an air conditioned store, to go into 100 degree weather, and then lighting a stick on fire while hot smoke blows in your face. Nothing.

4:27 - Back in da 'hood. Stop into the local supermarket to buy dinner. Actually overheard in the frozen food section:

Customer: "Sir, what is the difference between the six dollar chicken, and the nine dollar chicken?"...
Clerk: "Ummm...three dollars?"

And you wonder why I left teaching...

5:45 - I got home and enjoyed the cooled down digs. Tried to get Mookie to play fetch with me, but he just shook his head and kept on reading.

7:45 - The air conditioner finally cooled down the apartment to a comfortable level. Wait, is that thunder I hear? I thought so. And that means I have to turn OFF the air? I thought so. Hi, my name is Murphy...I have this law...

9:00 - Wifey returns. Dinner cooking on stove + twice the body heat = apartment hotter than before. The new math.

9:15 - Wifey is banished to the roof...dinner is lovely.

12:45 - Late storms and cooling breezes overtake the apartment. Wifey allowed back downstairs. Time to reflect on one of the most disgusting days in NYC history.

If I did my math correctly, today, I drank more than five times the recommended daily intake of water. I also went through three shirts, two pairs of shorts, took three showers, and refilled the Brita filter six (SIX) times. Tomorrow is looking like a reprieve after all, with all channels predicting a balmy 91 humid degrees for the greater NYC metropolitan area. The weather in Providence? 78 and breezy.

I can't wait.

Professor out...