I feel popular.
Just look at some of the emails I've been receiving, offering me wealth, stature and power, without even knowing me. The internet has made me the high school varsity quarterback I always knew I could be. Thanks, Mr. Web!
Let's start with a correspondence from my good friend, Frederick:
A hell of a deal, if there ever was one, though I obviously need to learn what "â€" means. But just when I thought I was sold, this comes along:
Damn. Now what? I have to choose between cost, and speed. Not an easy choice. I opt to table the Disney offer, for fear that something even better will come along. So, I wafted through the tens of thousands of fan mail letters I get from you nice people, and stumbled on to this gem, which came from a man curiously named, "Colon Cleanse"...I hope it was a stage name, or simply that he's French:
"Lose up to 20 Lbs Overnight!"
Overnight? My ass hurts just thinking about the amount of work my innards would have to do, to lose the equivalent of a Thanksgiving turkey during my resting hours. I only hope Mr. Cleanse obtained FDA approval. Because not doing so would be wrong.
So far, I have acquired the ability to visit the world's happiest place for free, as well as the opportunity to quickly lose some beer weight for the trip, without even inquiring. I ventured on.
...and boy am I glad I did. Just check out the pair of good scores on Mimi:
So far, I have acquired the ability to visit the world's happiest place for free, as well as the opportunity to quickly lose some beer weight for the trip, without even inquiring. I ventured on.
...and boy am I glad I did. Just check out the pair of good scores on Mimi:
I'm not sure why the fact that this sexually "expl." person is a third grade teacher is relevant. But, I'm so new to this, I don't argue. Maybe it has something to do with the inherent sensuality of cursive writing. Or maybe they're just pervs.
Not to be outdone, Mimi (who will always be the freak from the Drew Carey show in my mind) was challenged by the aptly titled "Crazy Girls" with this little inbox nugget:
In 2008, I find it reprehensible that some people still think women shouldn't use the internet. Wise up, people. It's a new millennium for all!!! Still, I suppose the warning was accurate, as there are undoubtedly 10-20 women online at any given time.
Then, a nice southern lass (obviously one of those women 'net users we discussed earlier) named Cassandra May felt it important to include me on her distribution list of love. Just look:
"Let Forty Plus Singles help you find your mate."
Once again, confused. Do I really need forty (or more) people to find the love of my life? I appreciate the thorough efforts, but I think twenty should cover it.
All of this love was overwhelming, and admittedly, undeserved. I'm just an average joe, with a basic life. I can't imagine why all these strangers would want to help silly ol' me. It's kind of like winning an Oscar for playing "Dad" in a dog food commercial. I was tiring of all the attention, so I looked to close out my email session and resume a private life.
Celebrities, now I understand your pain.
As I was clicking the little "x" on the top of the screen, one last email caught my eye, from a nice sounding gentleman named McDowell, Emmett (I'm a sucker for military discipline):
Once again, confused. Do I really need forty (or more) people to find the love of my life? I appreciate the thorough efforts, but I think twenty should cover it.
All of this love was overwhelming, and admittedly, undeserved. I'm just an average joe, with a basic life. I can't imagine why all these strangers would want to help silly ol' me. It's kind of like winning an Oscar for playing "Dad" in a dog food commercial. I was tiring of all the attention, so I looked to close out my email session and resume a private life.
Celebrities, now I understand your pain.
As I was clicking the little "x" on the top of the screen, one last email caught my eye, from a nice sounding gentleman named McDowell, Emmett (I'm a sucker for military discipline):
In a related story, Mr. McDowell has just been signed to the Knicks.
More to come...
5 comments:
You had to go to the Knicks...do you have any idea how painful it was to sit in the Oracle Arena in disgusting Oakland, watching the Knicks blow a game they easily could have won?
Then there was the drive out of the parking lot, getting cursed at in languages I don't fully comprehend (both legitimate and illegitimate).
It ain't easy bein' a Knicks fan in the Golden State my friend. ;)
On a better note, Alan Hahn, the Newsday beat writer that covers the Knicks, is a cool dude.
In regard to spam, I continually get one from a John Cummatta, that promises he can get me a lower mortgage interest rate. Though with that last name, I wonder what I'd have to do to get it!
Bri
p.s. although they ain't the same without DeGarmo, Queensryche's playing some cool shit on their current tour (Anybody Listening, The Killing Words, NM 156, etc.) You and wifey should take a metal holiday down to the Big Apple.
My all time favorite email was one I got that said "Turn your little soldier into a General!"
The Knicks need more than four inches worth of help.
for some reason, in my mind, while reading that post you had tony soprano's voice. hmmm....i don't know why. it was kinda cool though and no i haven't had to much to drink.
You win Cleo's for commericials... but I'm sure Oscar is married to Cleo and therefore has a say in who receives the awards.
Ok you get a pass this time.
that was really funny...
(i know that probably doesnt qualify
as an official comment, but perhaps
its a step up from spam..)
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