Diaries of the Professor

All in a Day's Work

I'm back, kids. I'm not going to make excuses for time off anymore. Life is busy, as it is for all of us. When blogging becomes "work" I take a break. I never want this to become a chore, even if it means posting once an equinox.

Where have I been? Well, nowhere special, actually. Given the amount of time I've taken off, most of you probably figured I was dying, dead or simply not interested in spouting nonsense anymore.

Wrong.

A few months back, my baby daughter got sick. It started as a fever, then somehow steamrolled into something altogether more serious. Six hospital days later, she emerged much healthier and one nasty infection lighter. Since then, my time has (understandably) been spent smothering the munchkin a little more than usual.

While this was going on, I also left my former job and took an editing position with a marketing company near my house. It was a sudden, unexpected move, but one that will spell a lot of relief for a guy (and family) who were struggling with long hours and a lack of professional respect.

So here I am, more than two months later...clear of mind, sharp of tongue, ready to blog once more. Moving forward, I hope to post as much as possible, but will no longer use the terms "coming soon" or "see you tomorrow..." Life just isn't giving me that kind of creative freedom.

And I'm tired of lying to you all...

I thank you for your patience, and appreciate the kind (and not-so-kind) words and emails. Now, if you're done cursing my name, please enjoy the following from the recesses of my grey matter.

It's good to be back :)

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College kids suck.

Think back to your college years. I sucked, you sucked, and G-Love and Special Sauce probably sucked more than he does now. These kids tell stories like the classic, “Duuuuuuude we got so wasted last night after we finished those eight Miller Lites that I stole from my dad!”

And, who could forget, “Oh man, I totally banged [awkwardly groped] this fine ass girl [the one with the multicolored braces].”

Yeah, I loved being a college kid, and look back fondly on those memories. But after seeing the gaggle of hormones that moved in next door to our humble abode, I've never been more appreciative of my status as an adult.

Why? Because after having to listen to some of the drunken conversations emanating from the formerly nice house next door, I love that I no longer require beer to be entertaining or honest.

(Well, not entirely)

This is the beauty of alcohol. It makes people honest. Here are some conversations that people would have in everyday life if daytime drinking wasn't so heavily looked down upon.

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Interviewer: Tell me about yourself, Greg.
Greg: Well, I graduated from the school in my state with the highest ranking based off USNews.com. I cheated in every class that used bubble sheets and used my fraternity's test files for essays and midterms. I'd say in total I avoided more than 1,000 hours of studying.
Interviewer: Very impressive. Now, lie to my face about why you want to work here.
Greg: Happily. I feel that your company's mission statement is in line with my values and work experience, and I am excited about the product line.
Interviewer: And now the truth.
Greg: $80K + Bonus.
Interviewer: Word. Now, what can you bring to the company that others could not?
Greg: Well, since I graduated high school I have successfully robbed more than 15 girls of their innocence, talked my way into over 70 parties for which I was not on the guest list, and became a regular at three high-end bars...before I turned 21.
Interviewer: You're going to break our sales record...
Greg: ...and bang your secretary.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Student: Because I have Greek letters on my window sticker?
Cop: And because you have license plate banner from a more prestigious university than mine.
Student: Oh yeah, how could I forget?!
Cop: So, I'm going to pretend I think that you're drunk and make you get out of the car and conduct embarrassing tests in hopes of getting you so frustrated that you verbally lash out and give me reason to arrest you.
Student: I have an incredible desire to make a sarcastic comment about how I'm glad my tax payer dollars are going to a good cause, but I will refrain because Ryan's having that sick house party tonight and I don't want to miss it.
Cop: Fine, but at least let me stare at you questionably so that you plead your innocence in a slightly demeaning way.
Student: Fair enough. Now, please get back to arresting 20-year-olds for drinking beer and disregarding the growing murder rate.
Cop: Happily!

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Confused Girl: I do believe I am still drunk from last night.
Confused Guy: I do believe I am still wearing the condom from last night.
Confused Girl: Good thing I have a boyfriend and am therefore on birth control, because the condom obviously broke.
Confused Guy: I guess that's how I was able to do that on your chest.
Confused Girl: That would explain the recycled paper towels.
Confused Guy: I'm glad you're not ugly, like most of the girls I wake up with.
Confused Girl: I'm glad you're obviously not smart enough to go to the same school as me, so there's very little chance anyone will ever find out about this.
Confused Guy: I've never had to lie more about knowing what someone was talking about than last night.
Confused Girl: I was just glad to have a new canvas on which to splatter my radical idealism.
Confused Guy: You should leave now.
Confused Girl: You should fall back asleep and forget what I look like.
Confused Guy: Deal.

Barry: I had sex with a slutty girl last night without a condom when I was drunk and now my groin itches. Do you have any ambiguous advice you would like to offer based on your obviously minimal experience with sexually transmitted diseases?
Matt: Would you like me to be honest and rational or do you want to continue being sexually promiscuous while consistently blocking out the thought of unavoidable painful urination?
Barry: I like sex.
Matt: You're fine; stop being paranoid.

John: Hi, my name is Recently-Pressed Collared Button-Down with Silver Hoop Earrings.
Rachel: It's nice to meet you; I'm Overly Crimped Redhead With Incredible Cleavage. I hope you don't mind if I never turn my back to you.
John: Yes, the cleavage is actually what caught my eye. It's definitely a positive considering your lack of posterior voluptuousness.
Rachel: Your potential attractiveness has sparked my interest, but I'm going to need at least three more shots if you plan on taking me home. Also, I have a boyfriend, so if we could keep our conversation full of surface-level superficiality that'd be great.
John: Thank you for not informing me of the boyfriend you obviously have. I would like to now buy you enough alcohol to get you tipsy and comfortable, but not so drunk that I feel creepy for taking advantage of a drunk girl.
Rachel: I like tequila.

Joe: Hi Amanda, your ass looks exceptionally touchable today.
Amanda: I think you're a douchebag Joe, but your blunt honesty and obvious sexual prowess could definitely earn you some manual release.
Joe: No thanks, I'd rather utilize YouPorn.
Amanda: Suit yourself; give me a call though if you strike out at the bars.
Joe: Will do; now if you don't mind, I'm going to pretend to talk on the phone while I stare at your ass as you walk away.
Amanda: I wouldn't wear this tight of jeans if I didn't want you to.

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...or something like that, anyway...