Classic Rock, My Ass

I'm 33. And on the wrong side of 33, at that.

Yet, for some strange reason, I still feel an inherent need to defend the youth of America, as if it was 1993, and I'm back behind a closed bedroom door, throwing metaphorical middle fingers to my parents, teachers and everyone else who was trying to "keep me down."

Every time I see my dad, he reminds me of how bad today's music is, and how much better things were when he was a spry young teen with smokes rolled in his t-shirt, listening to the alleged classics.

I call bullshit.

Yeah, most of today's music eats a bag, but let's be realistic about the lyrical prowess of our forefathers. Pop music was, is and always will be full of trite, meaningless prose that speaks to no one.

So, for everyone who thinks music died with Bachman-Turner Overdrive, I give you the following examples of why you're wrong.

Take that, grown-ups and the establishment.

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• "Suckin' on a chili dog, outside the Tasty Freeeheeeez..."
  "Jack and Diane" John Cougar...Mellencamp...Cougar...Newton-John
  

This song is so bad, it makes me want to launch a brush fire at Farm Aid. If I ever write a song about how I met Wifey, it's certainly not going to include all the details about how I never spent much money taking her to dinner.

• "Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak...Somewhere in this town"
  "Jailbreak" - Thin Lizzy
  

There's gonna be a jailbreak? Somewhere in this town? You don't know where? Maybe we should start by checking out the jail, Magellan.

• "And no one heard at all, not even the chair."
  "I Am ...I Said," Neil Diamond
  

To be fair, though -- the chair has been oblivious for years.

• "Having my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me..."
  "Havin' My Baby," Paul Anka

Featured on a recent episode of "Glee," this line makes about as much sense as a Stephen Hawking workout video. Having a baby takes a lot of things...courage...strength...commitment... but if love was a requirement, Maury Povich would still be doing traffic reports for AM radio.

• "If you see me walking by and the tears are in your eyes, look away, baby just look away..."
  "Look Away," Chicago
  

Let's be clear -- I could have done this entire post based on lyrics sung by Peter Cetera. But let's avoid the calculus involved with "25 or 6 to 4" and focus on the band's dark(er) period -- 1982-89. During this stretch, a band comprised of 15 guys and a horn section managed to write the same single 10 times. Every version they wrote covered the low points of love, romance and heartbreak, in ways that would make Celine Dion wince.

I'd discuss the specific lyric here, but do I really have to? Speaking of the Windy City...

• "Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago..."
  "Smooth Operator," Sade
  

Forget that puddle to the right of the blue states. Everyone knows that the real eastern seaboard lies on the glistening shores of mighty Lake Michigan. I have no idea whatever happened to this lyrical wizard, but something tells me she now works for Mapquest.

• "Only time will tell if we stand the test of time"
  "Why Can't This Be Love," Van Ha/len/gar

Really?

• "If I was a sculptor...But then again, no..."
  "Your Song," Elton John
  

I'm touched that a man who was recently knighted by the queen of England, would dedicate a song to me -- little ol' me -- and then proceed to sing about all the professions he chose not to pursue.

• "Someone left the cake out in the rain...And I don't think that I can take it...'cause it took so long to bake it...And I'll never have that recipe again...
  Oh, no!"
  "MacArthur Park," Richard Harris
  

Apparently, this is a metaphor about love. Much in the same way "Purple Rain" is about treating women properly.

Of course, the grown-ups have a point about some of our music...

• "Young black and famous, with money hanging out the anus."
  "Can't Nobody Hold Us Down," Diddy