Diaries of the Professor

The Holidays Revisited...Ummm...Revisited...

Today, as we are fast approaching a nationwide tryptophan coma, I've decided to reprint one of (what I think was) my better posts on this humble little slice of internet paradise.

For the old-timers, I hope you don't mind re-reading. For the newbies, this is a pretty good idea of what you can expect around here. Besides, I put some thought into this one and think it warrants another go-round.

For anyone who thinks this time of year is a little too hectic and overdone, this one's for you...

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Kenny Rogers once said through the power of country-fried pop that "Christmas is for kids..." To that, I say, "Eat it, you facelift-scarred hick." Christmas is for everyone, and though it seems to start earlier and earlier each year, it still seems like it comes and goes too quickly.

By early January, gifts have been opened, Dick Clark watched another ball drop in Times Square (heir apparent Ryan Seacrest is still waiting for his balls to drop, but I digress...) and everyone seems to be getting back to the drudgery that is the upcoming long winter season.

The bad part about this is that even though the first thing people think about when they hear "winter" is "Christmas," the actual holiday only takes place a mere four days after the solstice. Snowmen, sleigh rides, cozy fires? Christmas, Christmas and Christmas. After the new year, the only things "winter" brings to mind are icy roads and numb feet.

Humbug, indeed.

It's over too quickly. Which is why I spent my (admittedly) long vacation trying to fix it. I've devised a plan to rethink and rearrange not just Christmas, but all the year's major holidays, to ensure that warmth and cheer never ends too soon, or outstays its welcome. By following my plan, each month will have a day to celebrate, gifts to receive, etc etc etc...

Join me, won't you?

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January - Since everyone already enjoys a relaxing, hungover New Year's Day, we'll leave that alone. But the other holiday of note this month is on the 19th, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Though not a holiday in the traditional sense, this day of observance is routinely recognized by schools and public offices, but not celebrated by many others. This needs to change.

Dr. King was an advocate not just for the rights of African-Americans, but for all civil rights -- the rights that white people, black people, and Nia Peeples all enjoy each and every day. Because of this, we should celebrate the man, not just what he said. How? Through a a paid day off for all, and a large, communal meal amongst friends and family. We will incorporate the cuisines of at least three different cultures, celebrating our commonalities and our differences. The time honored tradition of breaking bread to bring people together would be an ideal celebration of the man and his ideals.

Alone? Fret not, my socially-awkward friends. If your refrigerator is anything like mine, it won't be hard to throw together a dinner of cheeseburgers, tacos and pork lo mein -- a low-cost, cross-cultural extravaganza for your senses and sensibilities.

Dr. King wouldn't have it any other way.

February - This is the big one. So big, that it needs to be broken down into two sections:

1) Valentine's Day - Alright, let's just clear the air. Valentine's Day is a fabricated crock of pablum. It means nothing to anyone. Men hate it. And if a holiday encourages feelings of hate, it should be eradicated. Think about it - if you're in a relationship and your significant other doesn't know you love them by now, a Whitman's Sampler certainly isn't going to change that.

Likewise, if you're currently (or habitually) alone and just use this day as an excuse to whine about your singlehood, wear black and pound a quart of Haagen Dazs, you don't deserve a holiday either. You'll still be alone tomorrow, just with more fat and less good cholesterol. Time to invest in a new personality or a nicer car, whichever is more convenient. V-Day is out...

...which adeptly leads to my big proposal...

2) Christmas - Yes, my friends, I'm (partly) sober. And I'm serious. Christmas needs to move to February, wiping away mid-winter depression and eliminating Valentine's Day, all in one gleeful shot.

In addition to being a better expression of love than a heart-shaped greeting card ever could, Christmas in February would create a nice stretch of breathing room after the gluttony of Thanksgiving and the debauchery of New Year's. It would also warm up a normally dreary winter season by spreading the jubilance of Christmas from New Year's Day forward, rather than by stealing the thunder of Halloween and Thanksgiving - two legit celebrations that seem to shrink under the weight of December yuletide.

If you think about it, Christmas is less about ending a year than it is about birth and rejoicing the times to come. By moving it to February 25, a cold gray winter would be thawed by lights and holiday colors, which would then give way to spring a few weeks later. Celebrations would ensue and wars would end. This needs to happen immediately.

March - If you read my stuff, then I'm going to assume you drink a lot. Good. Under my plan, your post (February) Christmas depression will be short-lived, because I'm combining the three best drinking holidays into one four-day bonanza of booze.

First off, St. Patrick's Day - long considered "amateur hour" by alcoholics everywhere - will be moved from March 17 to the second Friday of the month. By moving it to a set date, it not only kicks off a long weekend, but it also doesn't interfere with the mid-week drinking habits of lushes who also consider Friday to be "amateur day."

More exciting is that St. Pat's will actually be the new beginning of Mardi Gras, which has now expanded from New Orleans to every bar in America. From Friday until Monday at midnight, revelers across the nation will drink like freshmen, celebrating Ireland, Catholicism, crawfish and voodoo, in one extended weekend blowout.

All this revelry ends on the newly-named Cinco de Marcho. Though it's not going to actually fall on the fifth of the month, most people who celebrate this day don't even know what the significance is anyway. Mexicans, feel free to call in sick...

And if you don't drink? Stay home and enjoy a long, quiet weekend, since most everyone else will be out destroying a different part of town.

April - Once and for all, Easter is getting a permanent date. I think last year we celebrated in mid-July, which is largely prompting this change. From now on, Easter is the second Sunday in April. Period. No confusion, no fuss, no stale chocolate eggs.

And speaking of which, Easter will no longer be a diabetic nightmare. Say hasta la bye bye to your Peeps, because Easter baskets will now contain toys, games, cash or iPods, and EVERYONE will receive them - not just children. Enough time has passed since Christmas to justify another gift giving, big mealed holiday.

(Also, no more cellophane grass. Just because...)

May - Mother's Day is sufficient and appropriate. As is the day off for Memorial Day, the official beginning of summer fun. The idea of a month celebrating both the people who fought for freedom, and the people that fought through childbirth is perfect. Motherhood and patriotism...an ideal combo.

May is a model month for holidays. Other months, take note.

June - Ditto for Father's Day and Flag Day. Only this time, remove the term "through childbirth" and add the words "to impregnate."

July - The Fourth of July is a great holiday. Fireworks, barbecues -- a real slice of pyro-Americana. However, 2 1/2 months have passed since we all received gifts, therefore I propose we add an exchange of reasonably-priced, independence-themed items to the mix. American flag boxer shorts, U.S. map shower curtains and nail files baked into prison cakes are all acceptable for the occasion.

August - This is the only month of the year that currently has no major holidays. And if you've read this far, you know I'm not going to stand for it. Since we've already had two big barbecues on Memorial/Mother's Day and Independence Day, we're going to have to be more creative with August, possibly moving a lesser holiday into this slot.

After much thought (you don't know how long it took me to hit "enter"...) I've decided that as the hottest time of the year, the end of the summer is perfect to celebrate science AND prepare kids for the upcoming school year. How? By turning Earth Day into a fun-filled and educational Friday off.

Parents can teach their children about scientific anomalies, such as beach erosion (suntan lotion makes sand stick to flesh), gravity (aggressive volleyball makes breasts undulate), and so forth. Learning is fun, and now August is too.

September - Labor Day is an okay holiday. But for many, it's really just an indication that summer is over, school is starting and it's now necessary to warm up the car a little longer. Barbecues have been done to death, and once again, a few months have passed since last exchanging gifts, so let's welcome in Fall and celebrate labor by buying stuff.

To keep the meaning intact, while opening your new Wii, think about the hard working Americans who imported it from Japan to make the magic possible.

October - A big and busy month, to say the least. Since Columbus Day does nothing more than cause friction between Italians and the rest of the community, we're going to ixnay the celebration and just require everyone to try and eat some Ronzoni.

However, Halloween is another story. This is a great holiday that needs to revert back to the days of yore -- to a time before fear and soccer moms turned trick or treating into "let's chaperone a mid-afternoon party" Day. Is anyone even still putting razor blades into apples anymore? Yeah, I didn't think so.

The best way to make this fun again is to move Halloween to the last Friday of the month. Nothing spells "buzzkill" more than having to get home from candy-mongering because it's Tuesday and you have homework. This eliminates the issue entirely. Adults, of course you'll have the day off to prepare for the night ahead.

All households will now receive a candy ration from the government, broken down by neighborhood. Street names beginning with A-M will receive rations of candies that are either chocolate (Hershey's, Snickers, Reese's) or chocolatey (Charleston Chew, Tootsie Rolls). Streets from N-Z will offer pectin-based fruit candy (Starburst, Jolly Rancher, Skittles). Numbered streets and avenues will be provided with miscellaneous items, such as nuts, mints, gum, McDonald's gift certificates and whatever the hell a Mary Jane is supposed to be. This ensures that kids get to visit multiple neighborhoods and expand their bounty tenfold.

Any household that does not participate will be fined the full post-tax cost of the candy ration. Additional fines are levied for any house that hands out pennies, granola, toothbrushes or little Christian notecards explaining why Halloween is evil. Jesus would have loved to receive free Almond Joys, if someone would have just allowed him to do so.

Other rules of note:

1) If you are 5 or older, trick or treating begins at sundown, and not a second sooner. Exceptions are made for smaller children who may have trouble staying awake for the festivities. Everyone capable of controlling their bodily fluids must adhere.

2) All trick or treating must be done in costume. This includes parents, guardians or older siblings. Without costumes, Halloween is really just begging, and no one likes that. If you are the one handing out candy, being in costume when you answer the door will give you a 5% bonus return on your taxes.

3) If you are 15 or older, trick or treating must cease immediately. Get a job, support the economy and buy your own candy. If you simply can't give it up (and I know it's difficult) then make plans to chaperone sibs or younger friends, and pilfer their stash.

4) Under no circumstances are you to offer any candy that is "fun-sized." There is nothing fun about a Milky Way experience that ends in one bite. All government rations will be full-sized, and any additions you make must be as well.

5) On the Saturday following Halloween, all leftover candy is to be collected and returned to a local drop off site, where it will then be distributed to families in need, who were not able to have a holiday of their own.

So let it be written...

November - Getting back to the original point of this post, Thanksgiving is too often considered the official kick off of the Christmas season, instead of standing alone as its own celebration. Stores even open late on Thanksgiving night to get a jump on Christmas profits, catering to weak-willed people who should be home digesting, rather than fighting for the last Fondle-Me Elmo.

This is all especially ridiculous considering most malls actually begin Christmas season right after Halloween. By being sandwiched in between the two, Thanksgiving is seen as nothing more than a tryptophan speedbump, rather than a major holiday. This too, shall change.

Thanksgiving will remain on the last Thursday in November, but will now stretch to encompass the entire long weekend. Rather than everyone trying to cram a week's worth of food and travel into one Thursday afternoon, celebration dates will now be determined by the host's initials.

For example, if your cousin is hosting, and her last name begins within A-E, then you travel and celebrate on Thursday. Letters F-M celebrate on Friday, and so forth. This not only alleviates the endless Thanksgiving traffic and flight delays, but also affords you the opportunity to celebrate up to four times per holiday weekend without looking like a mooch.

Of course, everyone will be off for all four days of Thanksgiving, as well as the following Monday...just so we can all relax before returning to work.

December - And so it comes to this. First, if you've made it this far, I thank you. You're a true Diary-head (yes, I call you that) and your readership of these rambling diatribes is much appreciated. Happy new year to you all.

By now, we've managed to space out all of the year's holidays, and have already moved Christmas to a more reasonable month. But with the gingerbread on hold until February, how are we to properly celebrate the penultimate month of a calendar year?

By celebrating the calendar year, dumbass...

New Year's, to me, (and I'm sure I'm not alone) almost seems like an afterthought. Christmas is so big, expansive and exhausting that aside from a few knocks of champagne, New Year's really just signifies the end of a short vacation. Sure, we party with friends, wear funny hats and drink more than we should, but we all know that the goodwill and group hugs come to an abrupt end once we return to work two days later.

The year is long. Twelve months, 365 days, countless hours -- let's give it the sendoff it deserves. Nothing would allow us to better celebrate the end of a year, and the welcoming of a new one, than a full week's worth of celebration. Yes, I said a full week, and yes, it will culminate in a ball dropping in New York City. These elements are fine.

But the rest of the week leading up to it should reflect all of the holidays that preceded it -- and the caring and emotions that coincide with them. For seven straight days, all people, regardless of religion, color, ethnic background or favorite flavor of Kool-Aid should come together for a party.

We will exchange year ending gifts...like Christmas...
We will reflect on any and all good fortune...like Thanksgiving...
We will drink heavily...like March...
We will honor those we have lost, and raise a glass to those whom we'll gain...

And on Jan 1, we will relax and welcome in a new year, taking heed of everything we have, while looking forward to another festive, joy-filled year to come, full of holidays, memorials and celebrations.

...if everyone follows my plan.

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Thanks for hanging out. I'll talk to you soon...