It all started late one night this past week. After another 14-hour day staring at my computer screen, editing the world’s most illiterate marketers, I decided that the only way to blow off steam was to spend more hours in front of a bigger screen.
The medicine of choice? A family-friendly little game called Gears of War 3. Wifey was in bed. Beer was cold. Nothing could stop me.
I logged into Xbox Live and signed up for some Deathmatch with some strangers. For the uninitiated, Deathmatch is where a bunch of players get together in an action game, to call each other homophobic names, and occasionally shoot things. Note: when there are two teams, only half the room will be questioning your manhood. Plan accordingly.
Anyway, one of the guys in the room used the handle “MetsSuck99″ (name changed to protect the impaired). Sensing an opportunity to engage in some intelligent baseball discussion, I immediately started calling his name out over the headset.
-----------
Me: Hey MetsSuck99! What’s with the name?
MetsSuck99: What the f–k is your problem? Dammit! Who launched the grenade?
Me: Why would you waste a perfectly good Xbox name on making fun of a baseball team? You must be a Yankee fan.
MS99: Yankees suck too. I like the Phillies.
Me: There’s a shocker. Nice headshot.
MS99: You’re a Mets fan?
Me: Yup.
Random Xbox dude: Will you two homos stop eating each others’ asses?
(I still have no idea what that statement means.)
MS99: Why do you like the Mets? They suck!?
Me: I like the Mets because –
MS99: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY YOU LIKE THE METS!
[RIOTOUS LAUGHTER FROM EVERYONE PLAYING]
Me: [Laughing] Do you have any other wrestling jokes from 1999, or do you keep them in a different part of your mom’s basement?
MS99: F–k you, p–sy.
Me: Did you know the Rock is a Phillies fan?
MS99: Ummm, yeah. Of course I knew that…
Me: I was lying, jackass.
MS99: F–K YOU, FAIRY!
Me: All I wanted to know is why you chose to waste a perfectly good Gamertag on saying the Mets suck. Seems like a waste of time.
MS99: The Mets are as gay as you.
Me: Okay, that’s fine. What time should me and your mom wake you up for breakfast?
["OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH" from across the room...]
MS99: You’re from Rhode Island? I’m gonna come up there and kick your fu–in’ ass!
Me: Alright, calm down, Chauncey. It’s just a game. How come you still haven’t answered my original question?
MS99: F–k your question!
Me: You don’t remember it, do you?
MS99: Ummm, no.
Me: I’m not surprised.
MS99: F–K YOU!!!
Me: Hey, guess what?
MS99: What?
[I launch a perfectly placed headshot with an assault rifle]
Me: You’re dead.
[CHEERING]
MS99: You’re all gay. F–k this game.
Me: Go Mets!
[ABRUPTLY QUITS]
-----------
Okay, so maybe I wasn’t entirely above the name calling and mom jokes, but man did it feel good to virtually cap this moron.
If any of you want to meet up on Xbox Live, my gamertag is ProfBrad12. I’m always up for shooters, and am still playing MLB 2K11. Drop me a message if you’re interested. Just keep the stupidity and homophobia at someone else’s place.
2 comments:
Didn't know you were on live.. I've been doing Black Ops lately, and have been messing around with MW3, but for some reason it doesn't hold as much charm for me as Black Ops. Been also messing with Madden 12, so never know what game I might be playing on.. I'll see about adding you to my list of friends Brad!
Jormy - add me, brudda. I don't get on much during the week, but with a lot of shows on holiday hiatus, i may get to hog the TV during primetime.
Post a Comment